This is how to overcome anger 5 powerful secrets from mindfulness

This is how to overcome dorfwiese 5 powerful secrets from mindfulnessThis is how to overcome anger 5 powerful secrets from mindfulnessTheres a voice shouting. Takes a second before you realize its yours.You feel energized. Righteous. Driving every point home. Its like the climax of a courtroom drama and youre the hero.Too bad youre saying a lot of stuff youre definitely going to regret in 20 minutes. But, hey, at least youre getting it off your chest, right? Venting the anger. Um, no, actually.Venting just makes anger worse.FromHandbook of Emotion RegulationFocusing on a negative emotion will likely intensify the experience of that emotion further and thus make down-regulation mora difficult, leading to lower adjustment and well-being.And, as if the short term damage wasnt enough, the jokes about anger and heart attacks arent very far off the mark. At all.FromThe DBT Skills Workbook for grasflcheResearch on anger has shown that chronic anger and hostility can increase ones vulnerabil ity to cardiovascular problems (Suls and Bunde 2005), cause problems in relationships, pose barriers to functioning at work, and get in the way of important goals (Kassinove 1995).So what really reduces anger? Mindfulness. Trendy, I know. Before you go shopping for meditation cushions, perhaps it would be good to have an actual definition of the word.FromThe DBT Skills Workbook for AngerMindfulness involves paying attention to, contemplating, and bedrngnisicing something while letting go of judgments and assumptions. To mindfully attend to something, you must take a step back in your mind and look at it objectively without evaluating it as good or bad, or right or wrong. Dont try to change it. Instead, be open to the experience, regardless of whether you like or dislike it.So how do we learn to be mindful?Dialectical Behavior Therapyis the research-backed weapon of choice against Borderline Personality Disorder, an affliction marked by overwhelming emotions that was previously regar ded as untreatable. And its based on mindfulness.Ladders is now on SmartNewsDownload the SmartNews app and add the Ladders channel to read the latest career news and advice wherever you go.If DBT can help borderlines get their anger under control, it can squash yours like a bug. DBT works.FromThe DBT Skills Workbook for AngerBoth DBT as a full-treatment package (including individual therapy, group skills training, telephone consultation, and the DBT consultation team) and DBT skills training have consistently shown large effects in the treatment of anger (e.g., see Lieb et al., 2004 Robins Chapman, 2004 Stoffers et al., 2012).Time to get some mindfulness insights from DBT and learn how to soothe the savage beast inside you so your life doesnt end up looking like a Godzilla double feature.Lets get to it.1) Study your angerWhat usually makes you angry? Where are you when you get angry? Who makes you angry? Write all this down. And next time you find yourself shouting, add to the list . This isnt important - its critical.Usually we dont even realize were angry until furniture is being broken. But if you know the circumstances that trigger your anger, you can avoid them or prepare yourself.And we want to get even more granular than that. You want to make bedrngnise of the signals your body is giving you that a rage-attack is imminent. There are three categories we want to focus on.FromThe DBT Skills Workbook for AngerAll emotions are made up of three components physical (the way your body responds when you experience an emotion), cognitive (the thoughts that go along with the emotion), and behavioral (the things you do or have urges to do when you experience an emotion). Identifying the different components of your anger and becoming more aware of each one will make it easier to recognize your anger sooner (Linehan 1993b).So with your list of triggers, you want to add the answers to these questionsWhat physical things happen to you when you get angry? Does your h eart pound? Breathing gets shallow? Do you feel hot?What thoughts usually go through your head? This isnt ritterlich or Hes being a jerk or This shouldnt have happened?What behaviors do you engage in? Do you raise your voice? Clench your fists? Turn green and say, HULK SMASH?These are the canaries in your coal mine. They can tip you off before the fury train leaves the station.(To learn more about the science of a successful life, check out my bestselling bookhere.)Alright, you have assembled your Personal Anger Handbook. (Feel free to decorate it with glitter and stickers, as necessary.) Now how do we start putting it to use?2) Avoid triggersI know, this one is kind of obvious but I have to mention it because itll get you the biggest bang for your buck and because Im certain youre not doing it enough.Researchconsistently shows that manipulating your context is one of the most powerful (and easiest) ways to change your behavior.People say that politics makes them angry and then the y go and read more political news. Do I need to cite some research to show you the problem here? No? Thank you.I know what some people are thinking,I cant avoid my triggers I cantAnd that kind of thinking makesmeangry. Cmon. Be resourcefulI cant avoid trafficYes, but your attention can. Audiobooks. Podcasts. Distraction is a DBT approved short-term technique.I cant avoid my co-workersBefore that important meeting where you fear youre going to blow your stack, mention youre expecting an important call about a very sick relative. If your fists start to clench, bestattungs your phone and leave the room until you calm down.This 100% cannot be avoided.Give a friend $200. If you get angry, you dont get your money back. You now have alotof motivation to keep your cool.And even if you cant avoid a trigger, you can often do something to reduce its impact. Be creative.(To learn the seven-step morning ritual that will make you happy all day, clickhere.)Okay, youre dodging anger bullets like Ne o. But how do you actually become better at dealing with anger when it does hit you?3) Train your mindLets begin your training, young Padawan, so you may possess the Jedi skills to battle the Dark Side. (Well,yourDark Side, that is.) How do we help you better cope with anger? First we gotta make you angry Sit down. Close your eyes. Take a couple breaths. Now imagine something that makes you lose it. Get a clear picture in you head. Make it as real as possible, the events unfolding before you. Yes, you are actuallytryingto get yourself pissed off But rather than getting caught up in the interpretations - the thoughts and stories you tell yourself about how they shouldnt dothis, andthatis unfair - focus on thesensationsin your body. The tension in your forehead. Your face getting flushed. Muscles tensing.Now those thoughts and stories are going to bubble up. Thats unavoidable. Butobserve them, dont embrace them. Whats that mean?When you feel physical pain, you recognize it as a sign al. You dont say, I am pain. But when you feel anger, youdosay, I am angry. Stop that. Observe thoughts and feelings like theyre words someone else is speaking to you. Dont embrace them as beingyou. Im noticing angry feelings not I am angry.Then return to noticing sensations. Youre going to keep getting pulled away by the thoughts. Thats okay. Notice them. Dont interact with them or try to push them away. Then return your attention to the sensations in your body again.Thoughts will keep coming. Youll need to bring your focus back to sensation over and over. Thats okay. Ever wonder what meditation (return to the breath, return to the breath ) has to do with mindfulness? Theres your answer. Let go of interpretation, focus on sensation.FromThe DBT Skills Workbook for AngerIf you begin to label or judge the sensations, notice that evaluation or judgment, and then bring your attention back to noticing the sensations as just sensations. Bring your attention to any thoughts that are presen t, focusing on just noticing these thoughts as thoughts without attaching to them.The next thing you want to do is called objective labeling. Note what is occurring without judging it.Ever fill out an insurance report? You wouldnt write And then the moron destroyed my car. Youd say, The other drivers vehicle collided with mine.My fists are clenching is fine. Im getting ready to punch the stupidity right out of him is not.Stick to the facts in a neutral way.Judgments will just add fuel to the fire of your anger and make everything harder.Observe, dont embrace. Focus on sensation, not interpretation. Objectively label. Do this for 10-15 minutes or until you notice the emotions start to subside.With practice, it will get easier to be the calm at the center of the storm. Youll be able to see the thoughts and feelings bubble up - but you wont have to interact with them or actonthem.Your training is complete. Feel free to hum Pomp and Circumstance if you like.(To learn 6 rituals from anc ient wisdom that will make you happy, clickhere.)So youre out there in the big bad world and you notice your anger rising - but you caught it early. Still time to nip it in the bud. Whats the first step?4) Break the loopRemember the Personal Anger Handbook you assembled? We didnt write down those physical, cognitive and behavioral signals for nothing, Bubba.Theyre very useful as an anger early detection system - but they also have a second, more powerful use Theyre part of afeedback loop. Anger produces those physical changes, thoughts and behaviors - and, in turn, those physical changes, thoughts and behaviors increase your anger.Ever start getting worked up, the angry thoughts come, and those thoughts just amplify your negativity? Exactly.So, when you notice those signals, you want to short circuit the loop before it makes things worse.For example someones pushing your buttons and when that happens you know thatphysicallyyour breathing gets shallow,cognitivelyyou start judging and blaming, andbehaviorallyyou clench your fists.By modifying each of these components of your anger, you can keep them from intensifying the emotion, giving you more time to get your feelings under control. Lets look at eachPhysical Instead of those short shallow breaths, you slow down your exhalation and take deep breaths from your diaphragm.Cognitive Use the skills from your training. Step back from your judging, blaming thoughts and observe, dont embrace. Objectively label the thoughts and feelings instead of identifying with them.Behavioral Clenching your fists just tightens muscles and makes you more stressed. Place your hands palms down on a tableto make clenching impossible and break the loop.At best, reducing the components of anger can stop you from acting out. But at the very least it will buy you time to use other techniques.(To learn more about how mindfulness can make your brain happy, clickhere.)Alright, youve engaged all the preventative measures - but the anger is leise upon you. What do you do when it fully hits and you feel like youre going to lose control?5) Ride the waveWhat do you do first? Nothing.Literally. Just stop. Angers like alcohol. Your judgment is impaired.But I just want to let her know that what shes doing isnt Do not trust that voice in your head. Pause. Take a few breaths. Dont cut the red wire or the green wire - get your head straight before you try and defuse a bomb ready to go off.Remember Barker Axiom 327 You cant always make things better - but youcanalways make them worse.So youre not doing anything. You have a very loose hold on your emotions. What now? Remember your mind training, young Jedi. We faced the Dark Side alone in preparation for this moment way back in Clickbait Heading 3. Put those skills to workFocus on sensation, not interpretationConcentrate on the tightness in your chest, not the chatter in your head.Observe, dont embraceMentally step back from thoughts. I notice angry feelings not I am angry.Obj ectively labelFill out the insurance report. Unemotionally note to yourself what is happening. My breathing is shallow not This jerk is making me so angry I cant breathe.The emotions are going to attempt to fuse with you, taking you from noticing anger to I am angry. Keep returning to sensation. Keep your mental distance. Keep labeling.And if your angry moment involves another person, um, this is going to be a little awkward at first - you standing there frozen, doing your mindful best, as they wonder what exactly is happening. Thats okay. The alternative is you going nuclear.Once you get a handle on things ask for a moment to think - or leave, if possible.With time, the anger will dissipate. It never feels like it will in the moment, but it always does. And the more you practice, the quicker it will vanish.(To learn the 5 questions that will make you emotionally strong, clickhere.)Alright, weve covered a lot. Time to round it all up - and learn how anger can be very useful Sum u pHeres how to overcome anger with mindfulnessStudy your anger Its hard to prevent something if you dont know what causes it. (And that can be downright infuriating, frankly.)Avoid triggers Now that you know what causes your anger,stay away from those things. This is the most obvious, most effective, and most ignored piece of advice youll get. Be resourceful or be furious.Train your mind Practice the mindfulness exercise above. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of I CANT STAND THIS ANYMORE DO YOU HEAR ME?Break the loop Address the physical elements, the thoughts and the behaviors that are associated with your anger and you can prevent it from spiraling out of control.Ride the wave Put mindfulness into action. Note the thoughts, feel the feelings, but dont do anything thats going to get you jail time.If I was anger, Id be a little angry right now. Anger has been a whipping boy for this entire post. Lets give that emotion its due - its essential. We dont want to eliminate it we want to manage it.FromThe DBT Skills Workbook for AngerIf you feel anger or indignation when someone mistreats you, those feelings can spur you to action to stop the mistreatment. If someone threatened you physically and you didnt feel angry at all, you might not be as able to defend yourself. Anger can be an extremely motivating and energizing emotion, giving you the fuel you need to break through barriers, persist, and work hard to achieve a goal. The goal, then, is not to get rid of anger, but to understand it and learn to manage and use it to achieve whats important to you.So whats the most important part of anger? We rarely want to embrace it and run with it. But we do want tolistento it. Often, anger can tell you whats important to you.Whats at the center of your anger might not necessarily be good - it might be something you need to work on. But either way, theres good information here. Itll teach you something about yourself. And then you can decide if thats the person you want to be.Dont speak in anger. But let anger speak to you.Join more than 320,000 readers.Get a free weekly update via emailhere.Related postsNew Neuroscience Reveals 4 Rituals That Will Make You HappyNew Harvard Research Reveals A Fun Way To Be More SuccessfulHow To Get People To Like You 7 Ways From An FBI Behavior ExpertThis article first appeared at Barking Up the Wrong Tree.